Good day except for negative thoughts which occasionally pass through my mind. My mom had a police report filed on her. I watched her sleep so calmly last night. She was in a white dress with her thick dark hair flowing over the bed. Her small eyes were closed, and she would mumble sometimes.
Trying to keep my cool. Trying not to boil over about him mentioning me living together with him and his wife again. Was it not enough for me to scream and tell him to get the fuck out of my house the first time? In my eyes, it is one of the most disrespectful suggestions possible. Why the fuck would I want to give up the little sense of peace and autonomy I have for an incomplete and unhappy relationship? Is it not enough to be a mistress that I have to be treated as a concubine as well? I can give up the little self esteem and comfort I still have left just to sit in the same house as my boyfriend in bed with another woman? It's not enough that every night of my life I know he's in bed with someone who wants to continue a relationship with him, I have to be in the same house to witness it? It disgusts me. It infuriates me. I can't get over how rude the suggestion is. Am I not worth more than just a little piece of someone?
Why is it asking too much to just simply have a real relationship? By real relationship I mean to love someone openly without secret, to grow together, and to be free to live how you want with that person. Am I really so selfish and demanding for wanting things so simple?
I have gotten to a point where just the idea of someone being truly available for me in the way I am for them is such a crazy turn on.
Am I delusional for imagining a future with him? I always do until I am brought back to reality by fucked up suggestions such as living with him and his wife. I try not to think about it.
I get angry and sad every time I watch a movie and see a couple in bed together because I don't remember how it feels to relax next to someone, yet he does it with someone else every night.
Sometimes I can understand that the things I am angry or stressed about don't match the larger picture, yet still I see them as valid in their own ways. I'll do what I can to comfort myself.
I need an outlet for this, I don't know where else to put it out there. I am fine, I can avoid these thoughts mostly when I focus on myself but sometimes I really want to shout them out. I'm okay, but if I see them together one more time with their arms around eachother I'll really lose my mind. Really I'm fine, when I am working on myself I feel fine. I want to be in good health. I want to take care of myself. I want to keep learning languages.
Sometimes I want to go far away from my city, and it is not for lack of loving where I live, or love for those around me. In fact, I have so much love for all of it. I just want to feel who I am without the stress and connections I have to this place, to these people.
Sometimes when it feels I'd be better off not living, I think the problem is more about the way I'm living, not the fact that I'm alive. I really hate the way I spend my days but that's my own problem. I could make better habits, better space for living a life I want to live. On weekdays, I tend to do nothing but work and sleep and sit in traffic. Whenever I get impulsive thoughts to crash my car, to run into traffic, to jump from somewhere high, I remind myself that it's not what I really want. I don't need to think about death. I don't actually want to die. I don't need to be afraid of my own thoughts. My life really isn't that bad, and my unhappiness is really by my own choice.
I feel bad when he is happy and I am sad inside. Sometimes I just try to soak up his happy feelings for myself. I want to take in his positivity secondhand.
I don't always make room to do what I want to do. I live a corporate 9-5 lifestyle, which while not inherently bad can be a bit soul sucking if you have nothing else going for you in life. I worry about my family. My relationship is stressful and devaluing, and I always fall back into it because no matter how fucked up it is he's such a valuable person to me and I'm holding onto some hope for the future. Therapy never worked out for me because all I wanted to do was complain and never actually change anything. It's evident in my diary entries that I have the same reoccuring feelings and "desire" to change yet never do. I have all the tools for success. I have a good career, I am healthy, I am from an amazing city, I love those around me, and yet I still keep up these same cycles. The day I choose to stop having dysfunctional relationships and to prioritize my own health and interests maybe everything will change for me.
I guess working in another office for today is a nice change of pace. Sometimes I feel more at peace in my secondary company office than back at my old one. The space is more relaxed, bright, neutral, etc. I am free to have breaks, get nice amenities, exercise on my days here.